


gone, the moment i laid eyes on you

by nosecoffee



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cats, Dogs, Fluff, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Relationship Advice, Romance, SO MUCH FLUFF, Weed, it's just fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 09:28:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13784604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nosecoffee/pseuds/nosecoffee
Summary: "So!” A bright smile accompanies this word. “I was wondering if you would walk my cat!”Todd pauses, looking around them, and then back at Dirk. “I'm a dog-walking business.” He says, as gently as he can manage.(In which Todd walks dogs, professionally, Dirk is in love with him, and Tina gives fantastic relationship advice)





	gone, the moment i laid eyes on you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Like Wow - Wipeout!" By the Hoodoo Gurus
> 
> This was inspired by a singular line from The Tall Guy and the link I made of Elijah Wood looking a bit like Daniel Radcliffe and that point in time where Daniel Radcliffe walked dogs for a living.
> 
> Forgive me.

"Tina!" Dirk yells, skidding down the hardwood floors and smacking directly into her bedroom door. It's hard to open, as there's a towel shoved in the crack under the door. Her room is full of smoke, and she's lying on her bed in the vintage nightgown she bought at an op-shop for twelve dollars and seventy three cents.

She looks up at him, lifting her head off of one of her special crochet pillows and says, "Close the door. I'm trying to hot box my room."

He closes the door, and skids over her patchwork rugs to plunk himself down on her bed. "Tina, this is important." Dirk implores her, and she wiggles her eyebrows at him, leaning back into her mountain of pillows.

"As important as my morning coffee, which you do not seem to have?" She replies, and takes a drag from her joint. There are five other lit joints sitting on the ashtray by her bed. She's really trying her damnedest.

"Sorry." He says.

"I'll forgive you." Tina tells him with a smile and a wink, she waves the hand not holding the joint. "Carry on."

"I've fallen in love." Dirk informs her, proudly.

"Oh," more eyebrow wiggling, "who with?"

He sighs, and flops down on her mattress. "The local dog walker."

"There's a _local dog walker_?" She doesn't have to sound so surprised. Dirk does not say this to her.

"Yes." Dirk agrees. "And he's lovely, and I'm in love."

" _How_ did I not know this?" Tina asks him, and offers him her joint. He waves it away and she shrugs in response, as if saying suit yourself.

"I think you do." Dirk replies, a bit stingily. "He says he came by a few weeks ago, and apparently you told him he looked like Daniel Radcliffe."

"Oh, him." Now Tina sounds mildly amused and mildly annoyed. Dirk doesn't appreciate this. "Yeah. No. I barely remember that at all."

"Whatever." He dismisses. "This is big."

"Is it?" Tina's interested tone begins to wane. She leans back against the mountain of pillows and begins to stare at the water damage on the ceiling from when their upstairs neighbour attempted to reenact the scene from _The Shape Of Water_.

(It should be mentioned that once the news came out that this is what had happened Tina had looked sharply at Dirk, glaring with her bloodshot eyes, and said, "Don't you _dare_.")

"Yes!" Dirk exclaims, sitting up so fast he nearly falls off her bed. "The last time I fell in love, I was wearing flared pants."

A fair amount of eyebrow raising ensues. "So, last week then?" Tina says, cheekily, and takes a drag from her joint.

"Come _on_ , Tina." Dirk whines.

"What?" She responds in almost the same tone, but with more of a laugh in it. "Am I wrong?"

He considers this. "Well, you're not," he relents, reluctantly, "but this is different. And I was referring to when I was a kid and I thought the flares looked good."

She evidently decides to ignore that particular comment in favour of asking, "Who were you in love with?"

"That's not important." He attempts to dodge. "What's important is that I've never been in love like this before."

"Who are they?" Tina insists.

Dirk looks a bit put out, but says, "His name is Todd."

"Nice name. I knew a Todd once. Great guy. Played bass in a band I liked when I was in college." Tina pauses, and her eyes widen with fractional realisation. "Kinda looked like Frodo Baggins, longish hair and everything."

Dirk waves away her offer of the joint, again, "Did you ever get him into bed?"

"Fuck, I wish." She laughs, and sits up properly, stretching her back. Dirk coughs a bit. "I got him to buy me a few drinks, and then he put me in a taxi and sent me home."

"Courteous." He comments, under his breath.

"Not the point." Apparently, Tina hears him. "What else about this guy?"

"He has brownish hair."

"Uh-huh."

"And blue eyes."

"Uh-huh."

"And a lovely little tooth gap I didn't even notice until he smiled."

"Gee, he sounds nice looking." There isn't a hint of sarcasm to her voice, and for that, he is glad. He hates it when Tina doesn't like the people he has crushes on. This is, of course, more than a crush, but it's almost the same to her.

"He's about three inches shorter than me." Dirk informs her, snootily.

Tina snorts. "So about my height?"

"A little shorter." He allows.

More snorting. "So, basically a hobbit, then?"

"Yes." Dirk finds himself agreeing, dreamily. " _Basically_ a hobbit."

"Nice." Tina puts the joint onto the ash tray by her bed with the other four joints and slaps her hands down on the quilt cover, in front of her. "So. What's your plan?"

"My plan?" Dirk echoes, curiously.

"Yeah." Tina prompts, nodding like a bobble-head. "What are you gonna do about this _I've never been in love like this before_ thing?"

"I...hadn't thought about it." He admits.

"Alright." She runs her hands all over her face the way she likes to do when she's high ("Skin is so fucking weird, man, it's fucking _bananas_ that I'm covered in this shit.") and claps her hands in front of her. "Okay. Game plan."

"Yes." He agrees, and scoots forward across the mattress.

"You go back." Tina begins.

"Yes." Dirk repeats.

"You invite him out to dinner." She continues.

"Yes." He says, once more, liking where this is going.

"And then," she finishes, picking her joint back up, with a flourish, "you fuck him within an inch of his life."

"Alright," Dirk says, holding up a hand to stop her. "You lost me at the end there."

"Best way to stop being in love with someone. Bang them." Tina says, shrugging, and holding out her joint to him, again. Dirk shakes his head at her, feeling plenty high already, after spending so long in her hotboxed bedroom. "Easy peasy."

"Maybe for you." He harrumphs, getting up.

"Maybe indeed." She agrees. "People aren't _nearly_ as romantic when you're fucking them."

" _Well_ ," Dirk huffs, and he closes the door behind him, biting his lip and wondering what he should do.

~

Walking people's dogs all day is not a million dollar idea. Todd will be the first to admit that. But it's not bad money, which is good, which means it's work, which means he's not fucking broke and lounging around the house doing nothing, anymore.

There are perks, too. He runs his own times, he walks some cute ass dogs that blow up his instagram account, the lady who takes her lunch break at the deli down the street from his apartment takes her lunch break as he is walking past with ten dogs strapped to his waist, and he also has so much time to himself.

There are of course, the weird things.

Like the ginger guy he met the other day running up to him with a black kitten in his arms.

“Hi, Todd!” Now, Todd prides himself on remembering people's names. For some reason every regular customer in line, at Walmart, apart from the grumpy old men who bought their foot cream there, seemed to like the fact that the cashier remembered their name and asked how their day was.

But Todd cannot remember for the life of him what this guy's name is.

He's kinda cute, which Todd remembers noting last time, and looks quite excited which is another thing he remembers noting, but the guy's name continues to escape him.

Todd settles for a casual, “Hey, dude,” and while his voice cracks, he counts it as a success.

“It's okay if you don't remember me.” The guy tells him, barely taking a breath. “We only met a few days ago, and I wouldn't expect you to remember my silly old name.”

He's onto Todd, goddamn it.

“Sorry.” Todd says, reaching down to pat the corgi that is currently using his leg as a launch pad. “I'm usually really good with names.”

“It's no worries.” The guy says, waving a dismissive hand. The kitten hisses at the man holding it. Todd is a little concerned.

“No, really, I feel bad.” He insists, and pats Rapunzel a little too firmly, so she’ll actually get down and let him be fully invested in this conversation. It's something more exciting than breaking his record for steps taken each day on his fitbit.

“Dirk Gently.” The ginger guy says, and holds out one hand. Todd shakes it, awkwardly, hoping Dirk won't notice how sweaty his hands are.

“That's right.” He agrees, remembering their conversation from a few days ago. “You live with Tina Teventino. Gosh, that was a while ago.”

“ _You're_ the hobbit bassist who bought her a few drinks and sent her home?” Dirk asks, aghast. Todd feels a bit taken aback.

“Sorry, _hobbit_?” He responds. He didn't know that Tina had taken _that_ away from their brief encounter. Then again, she was smashed.

“Never mind.” Dirk says, shaking his head. “So!” A bright smile accompanies this word. “I was wondering if you would walk my cat!”

Todd pauses, looking around them, and then back at Dirk. “I'm a _dog-_ walking business.” He says, as gently as he can manage.

“Yes, that's quite alright,” Dirk says, nodding so fast Todd is a little scared his head might fall off, or he might just get so dizzy he falls down. “But she makes friends quickly, and she's only really a handful when she's hungry.”

“I don't think you-”

“I don't know how much you charge, so would this be enough?” Todd stops short when Dirk shoves a roll of bills into his hand, tied up all neatly with a blue rubber band.

“That would be…more than enough, what the fuck, dude.” Todd mutters, looking between Dirk and the possibly hundreds of dollars he is holding. “I _walk dogs_ for a living.”

“And I find _missing_ dogs. You and I are practically the same person.” Dirk replies, dismissively, patting his kitten on the head. The kitten, thankfully, purrs at this. “Oh, speaking of, would you like to grab some dinner with me, later?”

“Dinner?” Todd echoes, perplexed.

“Yes, dinner.” Dirk agrees, excitedly. “I'll even pay.”

“You want to go to dinner?” He attempts to clarify. “With _me_?”

“I believe I made that optimally clear.” Dirk tells him, brightly, and only slightly jokingly.

“I…” Todd trails off, not quite understand his luck of having a strange-yet-charming ginger man ask him out on a date.

“Feel free to say no.” Dirk says, hastily, a bit of a thundercloud passing over his face. “I would hate to pull you from any prior engagement.”

“Does this all depend on whether I walk your cat or not?” Todd asks, and he wonders why he cares? He wants to go on the date, so does it matter if he walks the kitten or not?

“Not even a little.” Dirk laughs, and pats his cat, again. “I was just using her as a reason to talk to you.”

“Oh.” It's only a bit surprising. Dirk makes these things less surprising than they should be. “Really?”

“Yes.” And Dirk actually snorts. “Obviously.”

“Obviously?” Todd repeats, still not quite sure whether this is a hyper-realistic dream or not.

“ _Obviously_.” Dirk agrees, smiling a wide and toothy smile. The cat in his arms meows.

“Sure.” Todd finds himself saying, and then he flushes in minor embarrassment. “I mean, yeah, that sounds great.”

“Wonderful.” Dirk crowes, pulling a scrap of paper from an inside pocket on his lime green jacket, and handing it to Todd, without further ado. “This is my number, call me when all the dogs are returned to their owners.” And with this, he hurries away, cat in arms, looking quite pleased with himself.

“Wait, Dirk! Your money!” Todd calls after him, still holding the incredible amount of cash handed to him. Dirk either doesn't hear him or doesn't care to respond. “This guy is gonna kill me.” He sighs, shoving the money in his pocket.

He guesses dinner will be on him, then.

 

**fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I really hope you liked this. If you did, please let me know all about it in the comments, and do feel free to leave me a kudos. You can find me on Tumblr @nose-coffee, and I strongly encourage you to do so. Again, thank you.


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